This isn’t what I wanted to post today, but something happened that made me realize a few things about myself, and now I need to write about it because it’s consuming my thoughts, and I try to turn unfortunate events into something positive. And so here we are.

Without giving too much away… because even though I was disrespected, I don’t want to expose too much about it out of spite, and there are mental health issues involved as well, which may have accounted for some of this person’s behavior…

I’ve known this person for a couple years now, and I’ve never seen any sort of red flag that would lead me to believe they would behave in the way that they did. Until I recently rejected them, in the most respectful way I know how. In hindsight, I don’t think I could have said anything that could have gotten through to this person, other than the one thing they wanted to hear.

For over two hours, assumptions were made. Insults were thrown at me. I was being accused of the things the other person was actively doing. And I was expected to “own up to” things I was never guilty of in the first place.

This was clearly a manic episode, so I was trying to be understanding, and help them understand where I was coming from. But the conversation kept circling on the same topics and we weren’t getting anywhere. (This was supposed to be my mandatory writing time too, so not only was it a huge buzz kill, it was cutting into my work.)

Eventually came the point where I’d had more than enough and I blocked this person’s texts. Because I realized that in not only allowing the other person to continue a behavior they clearly did not intend to stop when I asked them to, multiple times, I was still leaving myself open to receiving these hurtful messages. Manic episode or not, I didn’t deserve that and will not tolerate being treated in such a way.

Simply ignoring the barrage of messages would not have been enough, because even reading hurtful words that would have floored me a year ago, but I’ve grown a lot since and knew it was BS, well that still takes a toll on your subconscious mind. So I had to hit that block button and refuse to receive any further messages. I had to end that connection.

Besides, if that person actually cared and respected me, they wouldn’t have treated me like that in the first place.

Self respect.

So what are these things I learned about myself today?

First, I saw how much I’ve grown in the last year. Those insults would have hurt if I hadn’t been actively working on myself. I would have found myself apologizing for things that were not my fault instead of setting healthy boundaries. I would have probably put my friend’s feelings over my own when mine are perfectly valid. I did none of those things. Seeing a good therapist, meditation, and practicing daily acts of self care have helped me tremendously in learning to love and respect myself, when I was conditioned from a young age to not do so.

Second, I was able to see my dissociative disorder work in a positive way. (I have DID. Technically a combination of all the “types”, or in my view, symptoms of the whole.) The mistreatment triggered only a mild dissociative response, so I felt emotionally separate from the situation, instead of the full blackout I often experience when things get crazy. This is the depersonalization part of it. I actually like this coping mechanism because it allows me to see things objectively, without any strong attachments or feelings. Just acknowledgement.

And in this state of detachment, all that work that I had been doing on myself kicked in and I was still able to say, “Nah dude,” and just end it, instead of it simply being a way to tolerate things I shouldn’t. That’s progress.

And lastly, I saw things I need to work on. While I did eventually do what I felt was right, I still tolerated the situation far longer than I feel I should have. It didn’t have to go on for hours. This drained me mentally and if I didn’t use it as a post topic, I could have not gotten anything done today. I almost let this person affect me to where I could have sacrificed a full day of work toward my personal goals. I need to stop entertaining mindless BS when I see it going nowhere good, out of what I perceive to be respect for the other, when it’s actually just wasting my time and killing all good vibes I had going that day.

And when I ask someone to stop, and they repeatedly ignore that boundary I’m setting, I need to take action and immediately end it. Because if it’s gone that far, that person is not going to stop. Simply stating your boundaries isn’t going to make others respect them, you need to reinforce that sh!t. You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you deserve basic human respect. Cut it off and walk away. Done.

And while I’m finally discovering what my intuition feels like in regard to matters that affect me personally, I still have a lot of work to do as far as listening to and trusting it. Deep down I do know what’s right for me, and I need to stop accepting things that are not in alignment with that.

It’s been a long day. Things were done, acknowledged, and processed. I overcame what began as an unfortunate event and turned it into something positive that I now feel a lot better about, and can even consider sleeping within the next couple of hours. I consider this a win.

And hopefully this experience can help someone else too.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. You too are worthy of love and respect, and that begins with you. Be kind to yourself.