Woo, this post is going to be a doozy.

The goal isn’t to openly attack anyone, and I’ll try to withhold as much personal info as possible, while still being able to share my experiences and what I’m actively doing to keep moving in a positive direction.

But parts of this are going to be pretty tough. Hurt. Angry. Certain people would not be appreciative of the honesty.

But I so desperately need this right now.

Simply put, I come from a family who regularly devalues me.

Not once do I ever remember being encouraged to be myself, or have interests that could be considered, uh, interesting. I can’t even remember ever being asked how I felt about anything. And all the cool things I have managed to do with my life, well they just don’t matter apparently.

It’s not exactly a stretch to assume that these people truly don’t care about me.

At family gatherings, I’m expected to sit there with my mouth shut, pretending everything is fantastic. The second I open my mouth to voice anything truthful, it’s immediately labeled as “an incident” and I’m sick, and problematic, and it must be the alcohol talking.

It’s super sh!tty.

And in their eyes, it’s more convenient to constantly blame me for being the problem than it is to admit wrongdoing. I’m the scapegoat. I always have been. I was literally raised to accept this kind of abuse.

But over the years, I did the unthinkable- I went and got that help they always preached I so desperately needed. I’ve been doing the work. I’ve grown so much. And most importantly, I’ve outgrown their BS.

I now see them for who they really are, and I just can’t condone this behavior anymore.

It’s not my fault my 60 year old mother immediately resorts to yelling and guilt tripping when I tell her something she doesn’t want to hear, something so minor that it wouldn’t phase most people. It’s not my fault she has the inability feel empathy for others. It’s not my fault she has no real relationships and does not form natural, healthy bonds.

Just like it was never my fault she allowed me to be abused as a child because she was more concerned about my younger sister growing up with a (terrible) father figure than she was about the lifelong mental damage I was forced to endure.

None of this is my fault. I never deserved any of it. I understand this now.

But with this understanding, if I continue on allowing myself to be treated as less than I deserve, to keep accepting these acts of hate and narcissism, then that will be my fault. That would be completely on me.

If I can’t treat myself with the love and care I so desperately needed all this time, then who will? That stuff has to come from within.

Ultimately, you teach others how to treat you through the things you will and will not tolerate. No one cared enough to teach me this during some of the most important years of my life, but I’m thankful to have finally come to understand it now.

The problem here is, at this point, these family members are going to be very resistant to change. Suddenly enforcing healthy boundaries probably feels like betrayal, leading my mother to claim, “I don’t like the person you’ve become!” when in all actuality, my entire life, I was the one who was betrayed.

At this point, it would be ridiculous to expect a healthy, happy resolution to all of this.

Narcissists don’t change.

I do though. I am constantly evolving. And the next thing that needs to change is my entire situation.. Somehow.

I’m starting by swearing off family gatherings all together and no longer perpetuating the lies. I just can’t do it anymore.

Naturally, I will be met with opposition and more emotional abuse, which is even more of a reason to leave. But I don’t have an escape plan yet, I’ve been very isolated and am lacking resources currently, which means I’m in more danger than I can comfortably admit. I’m afraid, and the loneliest I’ve been in a long time. And all it’s going to take is one bad moment for me to lose what little I have left, in an act of retaliation.

I need to leave ASAP.

And yes, this is a cry for help.